1/29/2009

Between a Dream and a Job

Posted by Kevin |

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I recently saw a book titled, 'Between A Dream And A Job,' and that title has been haunting me for days now.

Why? Because that's exactly where I am - between a dream and a job. Stuck somewhere between responsibility and desires that are core passions of mine. In the end, I get paid to work a job - a great job actually. By any standard, I work with a great client (GM), work for a great company (TPI), I make good money and could have a great career here - but it's just not me.

It's just not me...I even tried. I tried to make it me - I've stuck with if for 3 years now, dedicated myself to learning as much as possible - even started an MBA in management, but it just isn't working. Have you ever done that? Tried to convince yourself that you can be this kind of person or that you can change that person or that you can 'fulfill' yourself by settling?

And it makes me feel stuck. I feel stuck because I need to be responsible, provide for my family and just be grateful that I even have a job right now. But I want more, I want to get paid to do what I love - it is an internal tension within me. It's hard to describe it, but it burns in my soul and at moments seems like grief..or pain...or sorrow.

But I'm learning great lessons through the process - lessons of patience, stewardship, servanthood, trust and contentment. Learning to wait on God's timing. Learning to be thankful for what I have and to do it with all that I am. Learning to find volunteer avenues and serve, though I don't get paid for what I love, I still love it all the same and need to do it. But doing it takes greater sacrifice - which points to the fact that it is truly a core piece of who I am.

I'm continuing to learn to just trust God, just trust. Simply trust. Not expect, not push, not contrive or take control my self, just wait on Him and then do as I feel directed. That has been a profound lesson. I love to read books and go to conferences and be a groupie for the current 'great thinkers' of my faith - but so many of my greatest lessons have come through just waiting to hear from God.

It's an internal struggle between wanting and waiting...and trusting.

I'm stuck between my dreams and my job.

8 comments:

Alexis said...

I'm a mom. That is the dream... but there are still deep deep deep desires in my heart that I feel like I have to wait on.

It's hard isn't it?

This is when I remember the Israelites... wandering, wandering, living but not "there yet" and I realize I have to thrive while I wait.

ponderingloudly said...

great read, great thoughts.

thanks for sharing

Kevin Davis said...

Alexis - definitely hard, but there is always a rich beauty to the things that are hard.

Matt - thanks for stopping by.

Anonymous said...

I completely agree with you. I feel exactly the same way right now. I actually going through a great bible study on the book "Wild at Heart" by John Eldridge and it's really been challenging my heart a lot. The thing that grabbed me the most so far is that he said think about the things that make your heart come ALIVE, and that's what God designed you for. I'm just trying to figure out how to get there. Tom Stanley

Kevin Davis said...

Tom - thanks for stopping by man. I still haven't read the book and need to - but that is the hard part, the figuring out how. Takes work, sacrifice and patience for sure.

Carrie said...

Does this sound really jaded? I think the longing for a dream sometimes prevents us from enjoying the blessing of the now.

I understand reaching for a dream; sometimes though, the dream is almost an idol we've set up with a false sense of how perfect it *would* be if we could only...when God wants to shape our character and use us for His kingdom in the now. (Ever read Henri Nouwen, Here and Now)?

Because I'm such a dreamer I think God has to convict me about this repeatedly.

Signed,
Just another Mom with an Office Job in Middle America

P.S. I read Wild at Heart. I don't think it was good for me.

Kevin Davis said...

Carrie - Absolutely the longing can still from today - that's part of the tension. But my tension isn't just from a dream for a better job, the tension is from an internal struggle to align my core passions - I feel that I'm not doing what I was made for.

So I think we should dream big and then chase them, but balance the need to live and enjoy today.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Carrie said...

Kevin - I think it's cool, by the way, that you feel you know what you were "made for." I can't say I know that!

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